Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Hi how you been, I’ve Been Scared


          Hi how you been.  Yea I know it’s been a while . . . but... I thought you should know I have been busy, but not too busy to do some writing, actually quite busy writing, probably still not producing what I’d like to be, but that whole job thing does get in the way sometimes. I know to the outsider it looks as if I have abandoned this blog, but I haven’t. I just temporarily shifted my focus and what a shift it has been. Soon I will be publishing a series of essays that I like to refer to as the five in five, in that I will be publishing five essays in five days, perhaps that is just a working title (catchy tho) for my writing portfolio that I’ve been working on for quite some time now. Maybe, “Shaken to the Core: A Writing Portfolio to Challenge Your Worldview” would be a better title, wouldn’t you say? The location of publication of said essays as of this writing is undetermined.    (If you don’t follow me on Twitter you probably should now (@muselinguis is my handle, convenient hey?) I will try to post information here too when that happens, but if you really want to be the “first to know” just follow me on Twitter, or heck even if your sub conscious will not allow you to do that then just bookmark my feed and refresh it ten times a day.

          So yea, it has been a while and I have been somewhat busy writing, but not so busy that I’m happy with the amount of production, or on most days the lack there off. I hope once this is posted that I don’t procrastinate and keep you hanging for too long. Cliffhangers are nice, but white noise for extended periods of time is something else that has no dramatic effect at all and just leads to forgetfulness.   The very last thing I want you to forget about is my writing portfolio that is coming soon, which will overwhelm your senses, challenge your thought patterns and hopefully shake your world view to the core.  After all who doesn’t need their world view to be shaken some times.

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So I find myself in a state of self psycho analysis once again, if you could know my private thoughts processes, you would know that I'm there a lot, heck if you even read my blog you might come to see how much I overly analyze every breath. (Ok maybe not every breath, but most of them.) Maybe I’m on the right path after all, wasn't it Socrates that said “the unexamined life isn’t worth living”?
          Regardless, the point I’m trying to get at is that I was trying to figure out why it has taken me six months of spare time work to get this done, when it could have been finished in half the time, then on top of it was the shut down as I call it, the point where for whatever reason I just stopped producing for a while, it was as if I shut down on all fronts. Perhaps I just needed a break. 

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          So my psycho analysis is nowhere close to complete on this one (so oh so much to analyze) , but when I’m able to pull a moment for myself from my conscience mind, I am then able to consider some of the facts. This here is what has been extracted from my consciousness so far . . .  Perhaps I just needed a break from the pressure I so often put on myself or . . .
          A more plausible explanation could have something to do with that article I read this morning about how hatting your job can be exasperating, and that can pretty much sum up how I feel on most days is exasperated  (what a word that is).  First I read it, then just thought so-so, but then I contemplated on it some, and then contemplated on it some more and considered how much truthfulness was there. Was my job actually killing me and my dreams? If so, then I really need to abandon any type of employment as an occupation or career goal.  It goes along the same lines of those in poverty and how studies have shown that those in poverty are so preoccupied with wondering where their next meal will be coming from, or how they are going to simply keep paying the rent, or worrying about their lack of health insurance.  They no longer have the mental energy to expend on getting out of poverty when they are cognitively spent on figuring out how to survive. Yes, a vicious cycle, and perhaps that is why I feel the way I do about my job, it is such a viscous cycle that still leaves me exasperated, and spent. It doesn't leave me with much energy to move my writing career forward to an acceptable position.  Seems plausible enough, heck almost believable until you look at the bigger picture, yes being exasperated from work has significantly limited my art, but not so much as I may have because . . .  I’m thinking perhaps I just needed a break from all the pressure I put on myself, or maybe I was just plain scared.

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          Gee I’m scared to admit to it. I have nothing left to blame but me myself. I am the cause of this lack of production. I became scared when I actually had a productive couple of weeks, enough production that my main project for the last six months was nearing completion, which means a lot of things: I’d have to find a new project (scary). I’d have to put the project out there for others to see (even more scarier).  It is simple to see how this could cause a shut down in production. So then, there is this contemplation of fear that has been brought to the surface, making it a situation that needs to be dealt with and not be ignored.
          When I first think of fear, I think of the word itself which can be intimidating of its own accord. Just the way the word sounds can invoke trembling in your boots, throw in the fact of it being used in a sentence that happens to be discussing your mental state and the sound of the word can be real intimidating. I mean first off who really wants to acknowledge their fears, and even when we do acknowledge their existence we don’t choose to deal, because we are scared to deal (great more fear on top of fear). Just the sound of the word, the mention of the word has the capabilities to invoke a spirit of fear.
          But it is in those times of acknowledgment that we may also get a glimpse of the impact that those fears have on our daily lives. And out of the shadow creeps all types of fears, fears that affect our relationships, and family. Fears that affect our social standings, fears that affect our cognitive abilities, fears that hold us back, fears that keep us from achieving all we were meant to be, fears that keep us from being successful in whatever our calling may be, heck even fears of living out that calling itself.

          So fear is an ugly, crippling monster that should not be subdued, that’s not good enough, fear must be destroyed, much like that awful dragon outside the castle, the only way to  really fix the problem is total annihilation. We shouldn't try to limit our fears, or even overcome as some say, I believe nothing less but total annihilation will do.

          . . . And if this is so my only option is to finish it and put it out there.

Now I have decided to overcome those fears and show the world my blog, call it a day view, if you will. Fear may have held me back ever so lightly, but also the fact that there really wasn't much to share except for a couple small days of rambling . . . But now there are more and more ramblings for your entertainment pleasure, enjoy, criticize, and interact with, it is the Internet after all.

Perhaps I just needed a break from all the pressure I put on myself, or maybe I was just plain scared, so my most logical action would be to throw my writing out there and let the world be my critique, don’t worry you can’t be any worse than my internal critic. So thus here it is my most recent blog post. So that’s what I’ve been up too lately, besides learning not to procrastinate, how to fight enormous distractions that are fighting for my attention every minute when I should be working, oh yea and been playing video games which I will never give up.  

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